Lets face it, I dont make you happy anymore.
Fights, they used to be entertaining to me. I used to pick them with Jared, all the time every day every chance I had I took to pick a fight and it destroyed us, it broke us. But Jared was different. Casey, Hes the sweetest thing and the best thing that ever happened to me, but I feel like I dont make him happy anymore. or maybe its that he doesnt make me happy anymore , I dont know. I feel like I dont trust him at all. I know it sounds weird but I dont. Ever sense Christie sent that text to me I just dont trust him, I want to believe its not real but even I know how dumb the excuses sound and how dumb I sound trying to make myself believe them, I am sure that If I just let him into my head for a min he would understand why ive been the way I am. He got mad at me the other day all because I was still talking to Jared and I could see why he wanted me to stop talking to him but I cant. Hes the only person whos ever been so far into my heart that I can just talk to, that I dont have to explain why I feel the way I feel or feel stupid for feeling that way. Its not that I want to talk to him or that I want to talk to him its just someone to talk to, someone that wont judge or someone that I dont have to be fake around, hes seen me get arrested for christ sake, its not that I want to talk to him about personal stuff. its just someone to talk to. someone that just listens. and I feel bad talking to him bc I dont want to talk to him behind caseys back but I cant talk to casey… I mean I know he wont judge but he doesnt talk to me eather and that makes me feel like I cant talk to him about that stuff. and Idk I just dont trust him after that whole msgs to christie. like ugh. blah I wish I had my grandma.
I miss you so much. I know I’m married and have a baby on the way. But I feel like I’m supposed to be happy and I’m not I’m not happy at all I feel so trapped and like I’m lost just like before but before you were always there to rescue me to pull me up when i was drowning but you went away and I know u tried to come back in and then u found out about me being pregnant but I miss you and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we had just let go of the pride and pain that we kept holding on to and just decided to start over if we would be together. Where we would be. I miss you and at times I wish u were right next to me ready to pull me up again and hold me tight and remind me that I’m gonna be okay. I miss the way you saved me…
It’s so pathetic that for years I have tried to be your beat friend and get you to trust me like I trust you and you don’t no matter what I do no matter how much money I let u borrow or how much I let u take advantage of me u still call me a bitch you still hate me and I’ve come to discover that nothing I do will change that.
